This is Anxiety

I’ve really been struggling lately. More rough days than easy. Sigh.

I get asked, “How are you,” by well meaning people. Friends and strangers alike. That’s not a question I feel comfortable answering. Not one I’m likely to be honest about either. I’ve begun avoiding it. Blow past, change the subject. It’s just easier.

Some days, I just can’t people. Not everyone understands that. Those closest to me do and respect my need for space. They’re also not likely to ask the dreaded question. Some times they force me to be together. #thanksjujubee I do my best – I hope they know that.

Yesterday I was asked repeatedly, “Why are you angry?” Yeah, don’t ask that either. I’m not angry, I’m just me and sometimes that’s hard. Stop assuming it’s you or that you can fix it/me.

There’s a lot going on around here. School. No school. New and old jobs for the kids. Backyard construction. Work. My car needs an oil change. The deadline looming to file a claim for the accident two years ago. A family of hawks living on the roof and shitting on my car. Ants. J slicing through his thumb and the resulting ER visit.

Just too much.

I gave up on my MayYouBe challenge. It was too structured for where I’m at right now. At some point I might pick it up again. In the meantime I AM going to TRY to write more. I need to remind myself that writing releases some of the built up pressure. It also gives a voice to anxiety and maybe, just maybe, that might end up helping someone other than myself.

In the meantime, have patience and know that I’m still trudging along. And if you’re struggling, too, know that you’re not alone.

May You Be… Here… Now

Day 2 – Here Now

Two things I’ve been working on lately are active listening and being present in the moment. In general, I continue to fail miserably at both.

ADD brain means I’m usually thinking of a million things at once. I’m generally fifteen steps ahead in a conversation – one that, because of anxiety, I’ve already had in my mind many times over.

Focus – or lack thereof. Something I’ve struggled with even as a small child. Something I still deal with personally x4 if you include the boys. “I hope you have a kid JUST LIKE YOU.” Well played karma. Well played.

Active listening. Stop.  Don’t interrupt – even if I’ll forget what I wanted to say… even if it’s relevant RIGHT NOW… even if… Stop working through the next part of the conversation, stop formulating your arguments and responses during.  Just STOP and listen.  And maybe doodle.

Being present. For the third year in a row my Word of The Year is “here”. I’m CONSTANTLY reminding myself that where I am at, at the moment, is the most important thing. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Technologically.  Chances are, it’ll be my word next year, too.  Heck it’s even the name of my original blog! (There’s some inspired writing over there, you should probably check it out.)

It’s pretty easy for my brain to start dwelling 30 years down the road. I don’t just ponder it and move on, I freaking obsess. I mean, will they EVER move out?  But while I’m obsessing I think I’m missing the joy of the little steps along the long path.  Once again, progress – no matter how small – is still progress.

Anthony this morning: Sheesh Mom, don’t jump to conclusions. Yup, that’s me summed up in six words.

Put down the phone during meals and meetings. Don’t watch tv while reading a book or playing a game. Most people read one book at a time, right? I have 3 going right now. Three. It’s no wonder I, once again, started reading a book that I have already read but didn’t remember reading.  I’m always telling the boys to “be present” why can’t I follow my own declarations?

Enjoy one moment at a time. Why is that SO hard?

May you be…

A few years ago, I happened upon a daily challenge from Project Happiness.  I saved a screenshot of the calendar to my phone and later to my computer.  I’ve had limited success with daily challenges.  Like diets, and resolutions, and well… pretty much everything, good intentions often fall to the wayside of daily life and a limited attention span and my craptastic memory.  There’s also my resounding procrastination.  I’ll get to that… later. (I may have just misspelled “never”.)

So, why now?  Two years after that initial save?

1. It’s my birthday month – the last of my forties.  Pretty soon my age will start with a 5, a half century spent trying to figure out who I am and what mark I want to leave on the Earth. #loftygoals
2. I’m trying to write more.  A month ago, I challenged myself to write daily.  Like all the others before it, that challenge lasted days (maybe).  That needs to change!  Writing helps me think through my chaos much more completely than talking – not that I don’t do a fair share of that, too.  I’m hoping that by putting this out there, I will be held accountable, by myself and others.

I’m not sure I’ll make it to Day 31 – no guarantees.  If I do, my plan is to scrapbook each prompt.  A few years ago, I actually managed to complete the (highly annoying) Month of Gratitude that made the rounds on Facebook.  That layout is one of my favorites to go back and visit – a snapshot of what was important to me then (and for the most part, still is).

I even bought the album (wait for it) TWO YEARS AGO.  I obviously wasn’t ready to undertake this then, I’m hoping I am now.  If not, the prompts will remain on my phone until I am – someday.

Let’s take that first step together…

Day 1 – May You Be Happy

Happy? What does that even mean? I’m really struggling with this one these days.

Holding hands with Aaron (age 18). Rainy days.  Stupid puns and “dad jokes”. Doodling. (Why don’t I do that more?)

Little things. It’s always the little things with me.

 

Amazingly enough, few of the things on either list have changed 15 years later. And FWIW, I still carry around notebooks of grievances. Some things never change.

Some of the things I used to find joy in are just not sparking me – I haven’t scrapbooked in 6 months. I’m behind for the first time since 2010. Partly it’s the chaos of late. Partly it’s the depression. But, I’ve set aside time over the next three months. I’ve even started sorting photos for a crop this weekend. Progress, however slight, is progress.

So, happiness – that elusive goal. There are glimmers of it here and there. It’s not lost forever and neither am I. It’s in here somewhere.

The Vicious Circle of Anxiety

I️ have anxiety and that sucks. Big time.

It’s a constant battle.  Most of the time I️ keep it (fairly) in check. This week, not so much.

Lately I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night. Night terrors. Panic. Then the constant stream of worrying thoughts start. I️ can’t stop them. The tools the sleep doctor taught me aren’t working.  Pretty soon it’s 6am and the alarm is going off.

I️ spend my days wired but physically exhausted. Falling asleep isn’t the problem. Staying asleep is.

I’m not hungry either so I’m not eating.  Migraine.

And my eczema is leaving me itchy and irritated. Stress makes it worse. So does poor diet.

So basically, I’m stressed which is leaving me sleep deprived, itchy, and not eating which means I’m unable to appropriately deal with my stress which means I️ wake up at 3 am in a sheer panic which means…

For the most part I️ keep this vicious cycle in check and I️ lead a successful life. High functioning anxiety. For the most part.

In two weeks, E and I️ leave for China. I’ve been looking forward to this trip for a year but the reality of the boys on their own for 10 days has finally hit me. Why is it that leaving three quasi-adults to fend for themselves is causing me more angst that when they were littles?  Oh yeah – their proven track record of stellar life choices.  I️ know I️ need to let this go – getting my overactive brain to actually do that is another story.

I woke up in the middle of the night Monday and apparently I had a conversation with Anthony.  He asked me if I was alright – I guess I answered “no” and walked away.  I have only a vague recollection but it seems plausible and totally accurate.

I am tired, cranky, hangry, & itchy.  And my head hurts.

Just keeping it real.