May You Be Grateful

OK so, I’m a day behind. #shocker

Yesterday was full – work and kids and drama and stress.  An emotionally and physically draining day.  No break from 7-6 so when I found myself with the house all to myself for an hour I kind of wanted to check out.

Like so often when that happens though I found myself straightening up the house.  OK… really bitching (WHILE cleaning) about being the maid for four people who really should be able to turn off lights, or sweep up dog hair, or put their dishes in the sink, or their trash in the can, or their dirty clothes in the hamper…

I wasn’t feeling especially grateful.  I was just tired and annoyed.

I bitch a lot about things that other people would be grateful for.  First world problems – we all have them.

I’m working on perspective.

Truth is, I have a life that keeps me busy, a house to clean, people & dogs to share it with me, and occasionally a little time to myself to appreciate it.  I need to be more grateful for that.  It would, at the very least, probably make the tasks more tolerable.

Lately, I’ve been working on showing genuine gratitude to those around me.  Sending thank you notes, just because – not for the receipt of something.  Thanking my co-workers for the little (and sometimes big) things they do that make my job easier. Telling my friends how I much appreciate them always being there for me.  Like the house and the clutter, I was finding myself not appreciating the people that surround me.  And that’s a shame.  I’m getting better at thanking others, and recognizing the part they play in my daily life.  (Not perfect, still working on it.)

All too often, I think that what I do at work or at home or in the world is thankless or not even seen.  That leads to resentment which is what got me to this point in the first place.  So, I’m also trying to thank myself more – recognize and appreciate the role I play in all of this.  True gratitude like so many other things, I am learning, comes from within.

Thank you for being here.  Thank you for taking this journey of self discovery with me.  Thank you for listening.

 

May You Be… Here… Now

Day 2 – Here Now

Two things I’ve been working on lately are active listening and being present in the moment. In general, I continue to fail miserably at both.

ADD brain means I’m usually thinking of a million things at once. I’m generally fifteen steps ahead in a conversation – one that, because of anxiety, I’ve already had in my mind many times over.

Focus – or lack thereof. Something I’ve struggled with even as a small child. Something I still deal with personally x4 if you include the boys. “I hope you have a kid JUST LIKE YOU.” Well played karma. Well played.

Active listening. Stop.  Don’t interrupt – even if I’ll forget what I wanted to say… even if it’s relevant RIGHT NOW… even if… Stop working through the next part of the conversation, stop formulating your arguments and responses during.  Just STOP and listen.  And maybe doodle.

Being present. For the third year in a row my Word of The Year is “here”. I’m CONSTANTLY reminding myself that where I am at, at the moment, is the most important thing. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Technologically.  Chances are, it’ll be my word next year, too.  Heck it’s even the name of my original blog! (There’s some inspired writing over there, you should probably check it out.)

It’s pretty easy for my brain to start dwelling 30 years down the road. I don’t just ponder it and move on, I freaking obsess. I mean, will they EVER move out?  But while I’m obsessing I think I’m missing the joy of the little steps along the long path.  Once again, progress – no matter how small – is still progress.

Anthony this morning: Sheesh Mom, don’t jump to conclusions. Yup, that’s me summed up in six words.

Put down the phone during meals and meetings. Don’t watch tv while reading a book or playing a game. Most people read one book at a time, right? I have 3 going right now. Three. It’s no wonder I, once again, started reading a book that I have already read but didn’t remember reading.  I’m always telling the boys to “be present” why can’t I follow my own declarations?

Enjoy one moment at a time. Why is that SO hard?

May you be…

A few years ago, I happened upon a daily challenge from Project Happiness.  I saved a screenshot of the calendar to my phone and later to my computer.  I’ve had limited success with daily challenges.  Like diets, and resolutions, and well… pretty much everything, good intentions often fall to the wayside of daily life and a limited attention span and my craptastic memory.  There’s also my resounding procrastination.  I’ll get to that… later. (I may have just misspelled “never”.)

So, why now?  Two years after that initial save?

1. It’s my birthday month – the last of my forties.  Pretty soon my age will start with a 5, a half century spent trying to figure out who I am and what mark I want to leave on the Earth. #loftygoals
2. I’m trying to write more.  A month ago, I challenged myself to write daily.  Like all the others before it, that challenge lasted days (maybe).  That needs to change!  Writing helps me think through my chaos much more completely than talking – not that I don’t do a fair share of that, too.  I’m hoping that by putting this out there, I will be held accountable, by myself and others.

I’m not sure I’ll make it to Day 31 – no guarantees.  If I do, my plan is to scrapbook each prompt.  A few years ago, I actually managed to complete the (highly annoying) Month of Gratitude that made the rounds on Facebook.  That layout is one of my favorites to go back and visit – a snapshot of what was important to me then (and for the most part, still is).

I even bought the album (wait for it) TWO YEARS AGO.  I obviously wasn’t ready to undertake this then, I’m hoping I am now.  If not, the prompts will remain on my phone until I am – someday.

Let’s take that first step together…

Day 1 – May You Be Happy

Happy? What does that even mean? I’m really struggling with this one these days.

Holding hands with Aaron (age 18). Rainy days.  Stupid puns and “dad jokes”. Doodling. (Why don’t I do that more?)

Little things. It’s always the little things with me.

 

Amazingly enough, few of the things on either list have changed 15 years later. And FWIW, I still carry around notebooks of grievances. Some things never change.

Some of the things I used to find joy in are just not sparking me – I haven’t scrapbooked in 6 months. I’m behind for the first time since 2010. Partly it’s the chaos of late. Partly it’s the depression. But, I’ve set aside time over the next three months. I’ve even started sorting photos for a crop this weekend. Progress, however slight, is progress.

So, happiness – that elusive goal. There are glimmers of it here and there. It’s not lost forever and neither am I. It’s in here somewhere.