This is Anxiety

I’ve really been struggling lately. More rough days than easy. Sigh.

I get asked, “How are you,” by well meaning people. Friends and strangers alike. That’s not a question I feel comfortable answering. Not one I’m likely to be honest about either. I’ve begun avoiding it. Blow past, change the subject. It’s just easier.

Some days, I just can’t people. Not everyone understands that. Those closest to me do and respect my need for space. They’re also not likely to ask the dreaded question. Some times they force me to be together. #thanksjujubee I do my best – I hope they know that.

Yesterday I was asked repeatedly, “Why are you angry?” Yeah, don’t ask that either. I’m not angry, I’m just me and sometimes that’s hard. Stop assuming it’s you or that you can fix it/me.

There’s a lot going on around here. School. No school. New and old jobs for the kids. Backyard construction. Work. My car needs an oil change. The deadline looming to file a claim for the accident two years ago. A family of hawks living on the roof and shitting on my car. Ants. J slicing through his thumb and the resulting ER visit.

Just too much.

I gave up on my MayYouBe challenge. It was too structured for where I’m at right now. At some point I might pick it up again. In the meantime I AM going to TRY to write more. I need to remind myself that writing releases some of the built up pressure. It also gives a voice to anxiety and maybe, just maybe, that might end up helping someone other than myself.

In the meantime, have patience and know that I’m still trudging along. And if you’re struggling, too, know that you’re not alone.

May You Be… Here… Now

Day 2 – Here Now

Two things I’ve been working on lately are active listening and being present in the moment. In general, I continue to fail miserably at both.

ADD brain means I’m usually thinking of a million things at once. I’m generally fifteen steps ahead in a conversation – one that, because of anxiety, I’ve already had in my mind many times over.

Focus – or lack thereof. Something I’ve struggled with even as a small child. Something I still deal with personally x4 if you include the boys. “I hope you have a kid JUST LIKE YOU.” Well played karma. Well played.

Active listening. Stop.  Don’t interrupt – even if I’ll forget what I wanted to say… even if it’s relevant RIGHT NOW… even if… Stop working through the next part of the conversation, stop formulating your arguments and responses during.  Just STOP and listen.  And maybe doodle.

Being present. For the third year in a row my Word of The Year is “here”. I’m CONSTANTLY reminding myself that where I am at, at the moment, is the most important thing. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Technologically.  Chances are, it’ll be my word next year, too.  Heck it’s even the name of my original blog! (There’s some inspired writing over there, you should probably check it out.)

It’s pretty easy for my brain to start dwelling 30 years down the road. I don’t just ponder it and move on, I freaking obsess. I mean, will they EVER move out?  But while I’m obsessing I think I’m missing the joy of the little steps along the long path.  Once again, progress – no matter how small – is still progress.

Anthony this morning: Sheesh Mom, don’t jump to conclusions. Yup, that’s me summed up in six words.

Put down the phone during meals and meetings. Don’t watch tv while reading a book or playing a game. Most people read one book at a time, right? I have 3 going right now. Three. It’s no wonder I, once again, started reading a book that I have already read but didn’t remember reading.  I’m always telling the boys to “be present” why can’t I follow my own declarations?

Enjoy one moment at a time. Why is that SO hard?

May you be…

A few years ago, I happened upon a daily challenge from Project Happiness.  I saved a screenshot of the calendar to my phone and later to my computer.  I’ve had limited success with daily challenges.  Like diets, and resolutions, and well… pretty much everything, good intentions often fall to the wayside of daily life and a limited attention span and my craptastic memory.  There’s also my resounding procrastination.  I’ll get to that… later. (I may have just misspelled “never”.)

So, why now?  Two years after that initial save?

1. It’s my birthday month – the last of my forties.  Pretty soon my age will start with a 5, a half century spent trying to figure out who I am and what mark I want to leave on the Earth. #loftygoals
2. I’m trying to write more.  A month ago, I challenged myself to write daily.  Like all the others before it, that challenge lasted days (maybe).  That needs to change!  Writing helps me think through my chaos much more completely than talking – not that I don’t do a fair share of that, too.  I’m hoping that by putting this out there, I will be held accountable, by myself and others.

I’m not sure I’ll make it to Day 31 – no guarantees.  If I do, my plan is to scrapbook each prompt.  A few years ago, I actually managed to complete the (highly annoying) Month of Gratitude that made the rounds on Facebook.  That layout is one of my favorites to go back and visit – a snapshot of what was important to me then (and for the most part, still is).

I even bought the album (wait for it) TWO YEARS AGO.  I obviously wasn’t ready to undertake this then, I’m hoping I am now.  If not, the prompts will remain on my phone until I am – someday.

Let’s take that first step together…

Day 1 – May You Be Happy

Happy? What does that even mean? I’m really struggling with this one these days.

Holding hands with Aaron (age 18). Rainy days.  Stupid puns and “dad jokes”. Doodling. (Why don’t I do that more?)

Little things. It’s always the little things with me.

 

Amazingly enough, few of the things on either list have changed 15 years later. And FWIW, I still carry around notebooks of grievances. Some things never change.

Some of the things I used to find joy in are just not sparking me – I haven’t scrapbooked in 6 months. I’m behind for the first time since 2010. Partly it’s the chaos of late. Partly it’s the depression. But, I’ve set aside time over the next three months. I’ve even started sorting photos for a crop this weekend. Progress, however slight, is progress.

So, happiness – that elusive goal. There are glimmers of it here and there. It’s not lost forever and neither am I. It’s in here somewhere.

Saving 2nd Base

Some observations from this morning’s trip to radiology:

1. Lady, the sign clearly states TAKE YOUR PERSONAL ITEMS WITH YOU.  Yes, that means, you.  No, you should not leave them in the changing room.  No you don’t need to repeatedly ask the tech.  You just need to read the SIGNS (or even listen when the tech told you to take them with you in the first place).
2. The robe closes in the BACK (same lady).  There was a sign for that, too BTW.
3. Wondering if there is rampant fraud in the area of mammos?  Had to show my photo ID to check in, then they hospital tagged me, then the tech confirmed by identity both verbally AND off the tag before removing the tag for the file.  I don’t think I’ve gone through that many steps for… anything!  Mammos should be free and available for all – but that’s a universal healthcare rant for another day.
4. Forgot about the appointment until iWatch reminded me.  Therefore, forgot to not deodorize.  Damn it.
5. I didn’t get a sticker.  I feel slightly cheated. (My participation-trophy-generation is showing.)

Seriously though, don’t put them off, people.  Four photos, 20 minutes.  I’d say “no sweat” but… see #4.

Avocados – they’re so amazing we have a THREE DAY festival in their honor

Avocados. I’m fairly certain if you don’t like them you have to turn in your California card. Luckily, we don’t have that problem in our house.  No rain this week – matter of fact, we’re back up into triple digits… so when E suggested the Avocado Festival, it was another HELL YEAH moment. A) food fest, B) beach, C) FOOD FEST!

I didn’t realize it at the time he proposed the idea but E just wanted to eat from the world’s largest bowl of guacamole. Or swim in it like Juli and I did at the sprinkle pool. It wasn’t even on display! It could have been a Tupeprware container for all we knew.  Seriously? If you’re going to advertise the WORLD’S LARGEST BOWL OF GUACAMOLE, have it on display, people!  He settled for chips and guac instead which was yummy and plentiful.

It’s usually sweets that get me excited, especially since I’m not big on chips – so I opted for a cone of the avocado mango sorbet. Ice cream? No brainer. Good choice because it was seriously YUMMY!

My AWESOME new shirt from our Huy Fong day. Saw LOTS of people wearing sriracha shirts at the fest! Nothing but love for guac and cock (sauce).

Avocados have been in short supply lately (#thanksglobalwarming) so it was nice to see them guaced, spread, deep fried,  baked, frozen and of course as a photo-op.  The varieties were amazing and the ones as big as our hands, wow!  In the markets they basically have bumpy and smooth (yes, I know they have REAL names) and Lord knows we’ve never been able to grow an avocado tree – so seeing so many different kinds was awesome.

 

 

Looks kind of Veggie Tales-ish – half expected it to start playing the Hairbrush song.

We got about 8,500 steps in, learned a bunch about avocados, and E scored a case of chips. They’re quinoa chips, but still.  I even treated myself to this necklace, customized for (some of) my obsessions. I just need to find an awesome llama charm. Not bad for a Sunday.

Until next time Avo Fest – Stay Golden, California!

 

I’m a hot sweaty mess

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So I’m a hot sweaty mess today. I’m trying to improve my balance (so far not working) and my flexibility (that’s not working either) through yoga. So far, it’s just sweaty and hilarious to watch. I’m by far the oldest one in the class and there’s that whole falling over thing. But I get to spend time with Justin and no one makes fun of my leggings.

My boss keeps telling me to stick with it. Strengthen the core. You’ll stop falling over. It helps with aging. Yeah yeah yeah. Something tells me, he doesn’t fall over.

So I drag a chair next to my mat for balance. And I try not to focus on the uber limber ballerina in front of me with her foot on top of her head. Or even Justin with his elbows on the floor. Who knew Justin was limber?

And I sweat. Not a big fan of sweat.

But I am a big fan of corpse pose and if I can keep from dying in the hour + class I can then lie still for a few minutes and just absorb the positivity.

Yoga. It was supposed to be about physical balance and strength but instead it’s giving me a calm respite in my otherwise chaotic life and a special time with J. I think I can put up with the sweat.

Just don’t laugh (too hard) at the old lady in the crazy leggings who just fell over trying to be a tree.