Mama’s Boy, Always

THIS kid. 22 today.

The other day, Eric and I stood out at the pool deck and secretly watched him teaching. Not only is he good at what he does, he thoroughly enjoys it. And the kids & parents love him, too. THESE are the moments that make the long days in the CA sun worthwhile. Regardless of where life takes him (he’s still figuring that out), I hope he finds joy in his everyday. Remember this, always.

In the last 4 years, he’s learned that adulting is not always easy. There have been some hard lessons – some his fault, some caused by others. That with great power comes great responsibility. That there is no shame in going with Plan B… or C… or even D… That there will be heartbreak and disappointment and sometimes you are the cause and sometimes the effect. That he WILL fall and we will be there to say “get your ass up and move on.” Always.

We’ve learned that parenting an adult is not always a cake walk either. It’s a fine balance of rules, expectations, and limits. Of knowing which Anthony we’re talking to – the one that wants our advice vs the one that needs it. Of giving a boost instead of being a crutch. Parenting books and classes don’t prepare you for this stage.

We’re all still learning that being humble, kind, or just quiet is often the best choice. In the last year of having him back under our roof, there have been angry exchanges and testing of boundaries. But there have been many more amazing moments that remind me how fleeting this time with him is. The moments that make it all worthwhile.

Having him out on my pool deck the last 8 weeks has brought me more joy than I expected. I can prop my door open and hear him. He’s loud… like his mama. I pause on my walks to catch sight of him. We lunch together most days – his only break in his 15 hour day. Our daily commute and 7/11 stop. The way he gushes about the kids in his classes and how excited he gets when they draw him pictures and give him notes. Knowing how hard he’s worked this summer, balancing 2 jobs + school to finish off his degrees & save for a car. “Bye mama, have a good day.” A summer filled with everyday moments of happiness and pride.

He’s always been my mini-me; stubborn, strong-willed, passionate, opinionated, independent, sarcastic, anxious, impulsive, protective… He’s a mama’s boy through-and-through and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Remember THAT, always.

May You Be Grateful

OK so, I’m a day behind. #shocker

Yesterday was full – work and kids and drama and stress.  An emotionally and physically draining day.  No break from 7-6 so when I found myself with the house all to myself for an hour I kind of wanted to check out.

Like so often when that happens though I found myself straightening up the house.  OK… really bitching (WHILE cleaning) about being the maid for four people who really should be able to turn off lights, or sweep up dog hair, or put their dishes in the sink, or their trash in the can, or their dirty clothes in the hamper…

I wasn’t feeling especially grateful.  I was just tired and annoyed.

I bitch a lot about things that other people would be grateful for.  First world problems – we all have them.

I’m working on perspective.

Truth is, I have a life that keeps me busy, a house to clean, people & dogs to share it with me, and occasionally a little time to myself to appreciate it.  I need to be more grateful for that.  It would, at the very least, probably make the tasks more tolerable.

Lately, I’ve been working on showing genuine gratitude to those around me.  Sending thank you notes, just because – not for the receipt of something.  Thanking my co-workers for the little (and sometimes big) things they do that make my job easier. Telling my friends how I much appreciate them always being there for me.  Like the house and the clutter, I was finding myself not appreciating the people that surround me.  And that’s a shame.  I’m getting better at thanking others, and recognizing the part they play in my daily life.  (Not perfect, still working on it.)

All too often, I think that what I do at work or at home or in the world is thankless or not even seen.  That leads to resentment which is what got me to this point in the first place.  So, I’m also trying to thank myself more – recognize and appreciate the role I play in all of this.  True gratitude like so many other things, I am learning, comes from within.

Thank you for being here.  Thank you for taking this journey of self discovery with me.  Thank you for listening.

 

May you be…

A few years ago, I happened upon a daily challenge from Project Happiness.  I saved a screenshot of the calendar to my phone and later to my computer.  I’ve had limited success with daily challenges.  Like diets, and resolutions, and well… pretty much everything, good intentions often fall to the wayside of daily life and a limited attention span and my craptastic memory.  There’s also my resounding procrastination.  I’ll get to that… later. (I may have just misspelled “never”.)

So, why now?  Two years after that initial save?

1. It’s my birthday month – the last of my forties.  Pretty soon my age will start with a 5, a half century spent trying to figure out who I am and what mark I want to leave on the Earth. #loftygoals
2. I’m trying to write more.  A month ago, I challenged myself to write daily.  Like all the others before it, that challenge lasted days (maybe).  That needs to change!  Writing helps me think through my chaos much more completely than talking – not that I don’t do a fair share of that, too.  I’m hoping that by putting this out there, I will be held accountable, by myself and others.

I’m not sure I’ll make it to Day 31 – no guarantees.  If I do, my plan is to scrapbook each prompt.  A few years ago, I actually managed to complete the (highly annoying) Month of Gratitude that made the rounds on Facebook.  That layout is one of my favorites to go back and visit – a snapshot of what was important to me then (and for the most part, still is).

I even bought the album (wait for it) TWO YEARS AGO.  I obviously wasn’t ready to undertake this then, I’m hoping I am now.  If not, the prompts will remain on my phone until I am – someday.

Let’s take that first step together…

Day 1 – May You Be Happy

Happy? What does that even mean? I’m really struggling with this one these days.

Holding hands with Aaron (age 18). Rainy days.  Stupid puns and “dad jokes”. Doodling. (Why don’t I do that more?)

Little things. It’s always the little things with me.

 

Amazingly enough, few of the things on either list have changed 15 years later. And FWIW, I still carry around notebooks of grievances. Some things never change.

Some of the things I used to find joy in are just not sparking me – I haven’t scrapbooked in 6 months. I’m behind for the first time since 2010. Partly it’s the chaos of late. Partly it’s the depression. But, I’ve set aside time over the next three months. I’ve even started sorting photos for a crop this weekend. Progress, however slight, is progress.

So, happiness – that elusive goal. There are glimmers of it here and there. It’s not lost forever and neither am I. It’s in here somewhere.