Gotcha

Today is Scout’s Gotcha Day anniversary. 3 years of love with my mama dog.

When we went to the shelter on “Clear the Shelter Day” (just to look) we had no idea we’d come home that night with her. I said I wasn’t getting a dog that day. Eric knew better.

The boys wanted a ginormous Dalmatian that A) was known to jump over walls and B) was not a fan of Dobby. That was a hard pass. I wanted a larger dog and, honestly, I was looking to fill the void of Anthony being away at school. I was looking for comfort.

The shelter employee listened to us and said, “Well we have an older dog. She’s been here a while. I don’t think she was taken care of. She’s been bitten by flies. She’s kind of shy. She just needs a loving home. Do you want to meet her?” Yeah, it was love at first sight.

She’s afraid of loud noises, especially fireworks. Like petrified, barrel down a door scared. She’s also not a fan of fly swatters. If we’d let her she’d gladly live in the pantry or a closet – with the door shut behind her. Outside, she prefers to hide under the bushes. Inside, she hangs out in the tiny alcove between Eric’s office and the garage door. If she can, she’ll sneak upstairs and hide in my closet under the hanging clothes or try to get under his desk. The smaller, darker, more secluded the better.

At 13, she’s developed doggy dementia; she randomly barks at the wall. She also doesn’t like when Charlie looks at her. He knows she hates it. He does it anyway. #asshole His favorite game is to watch her while she’s eating. She barks with her snout deep into the bowl sending kibbles flying. It would be funny if it weren’t so damn loud.

She’s really struggling lately. Her legs aren’t working like they used to and she really has to think about standing up. It’s a process. She gets so excited when she sees the leash but a walk means to the end of the driveway, rest, and then back into the house. Gd forbid she actually sneaks upstairs. Getting her back down is an ordeal unto itself.

And OMG THE HAIR! I had no idea a dog could shed so much and ALL YEAR! She’s a lot grayer now. But aren’t we all?

She doesn’t come up and nuzzle like she used to; you have to go to her. But that’s ok. I talk to her and scratch her head every time I go to the bathroom. Maybe that’s why she’s decided to make the alcove her personal spot.

I know my time with her is limited and when the day comes when I have to say goodbye, I will be devastated. I hope we’ve filled her golden years with love & comfort because that’s what she’s given us.

Off to give my Scouter extra cookies and nuzzles & tell her how much she means to me.

Confession, I’m a Bookie

I’m a bookie.  No, not THAT kind of bookie.  I’m a lover or words and stories.

Every year I set a goal for myself – generally 52 books per year.  Last year I read about 60.  As of the 9th of August I’m at 50, so I’m on track to hit close to a 100 this year.  Reading is one of the few things that I have been able to maintain through my struggles with anxiety  and depression.  Although, over the last year I’ve noticed a serious degeneration of my vision. So to save me from insane headaches, I have switched over almost exclusively to audiobooks.  Bonus – I can listen while I’m driving.  The CHP frowns on you READING while driving or at least I assume they would.

Confession – I’ve never read ANY of the Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings books.  Or Wrinkle in Time.  What I haven’t read actually makes me a bit sad. [read more]

I’m often asked “What are you reading” and so in honor of #BookLoversDay I’ll share some of my top picks so far in 2018.

1. The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas – if you haven’t read this yet, GO NOW! Seriously, it’s on my Top 10 all time list.  It’s YA and it reads quickly.  Serious, current themes told from the perspective of a 16 year old girl.  GET THIS BOOK!
2. The Tortilla Curtain by TC Boyle – I had the opportunity to go listen to him talk a few months ago and so I figured I should finally read his book.  Was not disappointed AT ALL! Boyle is a masterful storyteller both on the page and in person.  I’m listening to When the Killing’s Done now and I’m hopeful it is as good as TC.
3. Lily and the Octopus by Steven Rowley – warning, this book WILL make you cry – like ugly, blubbering mess cry.  I happened upon it by accident and I’m so glad I did.  You should read it, but with tissues – or a towel.
4. The Power by Naomi Alderman – interesting take on female centered dystopian fiction.  Probably would have never picked it up if it hadn’t been for required reading for a work committee.  We ended up choosing Exit West instead – another good book with topics that have become even more relevant in the past 6 months.
5. The Innocent Man by John Grisham – I haven’t read a Grisham book in ages but I happened upon this NON-FICTION by him and thought what the heck.  I then went on to catch up on NINE Grisham fictional stories that I had missed.

I’ve read some serious crap this year, too.  Most notably The Paris Key, Sisters by Danielle Steele, Budha in the Attic, Miss Burma, Timeline by Michael Crichton and Luckiest Girl Alive that, unbelievably, I had already read and forgotten.  So I read that crap TWICE!  TWICE!

To avoid doing that ever again, I’ve started logging my books into Goodreads BEFORE I start them. Not after.

I tend to get stuck in genres and lately it’s been psychological relationship thrillers – think Gone Girl.  So far this year, I’ve enjoyed Final Girls, Gone Without a Trace, Behind Closed Doors, Lie to Me, and the uber popular The Woman in the Window.  I have Beware That Girl and All Things Cease to Appear already downloaded for the coming week.

I’ve always loved books and reading – a pastime I share with exactly ZERO members of my family.  They literally groan when my book is playing in the car – like I haven’t listened to enough about videogames, guard, drag, superheros, Harry Potter, or the obsession of the week?  Seriously?

So I will continue to enjoy my books in solitude and share my thoughts with ANYONE that asks for a book recommendation.  Literally, anyone.

2018… so far

Hiddensee: A Tale of the Once and Future Nutcracker by Gregory Maguire

After Alice by Gregory Maguire

Behold the Dreamers by Imbolo Mbue

Fire & Fury: Inside the Trump White House by Michael Wolff

The Power by Naomi Alderman

Sing, Unburied, Sing by Jesmyn Ward

The Tortilla Curtain by TC Boyle

Exit West by Mohsin Hamid

The Heart Goes Last by Margaret Atwood

Lily & the Octopus by Steven Rowley

Today Will Be Different by Maria Semple

Crazy Rich Asians by Kevin Kwan

The Confusion of Languages by Siobhan Fallon

Flat Broke with Two Goats: A Memoir of Appalachia by Jennifer McGaha

The Girl Before by JP Delaney

The Buddha in the Attic by Julie Otsuka

The Avalon Ladies Scrapbooking Society by Darien Gee

The Racketeer by John Grisham

Hillbilly Elegy: A Memoir of a  Family & Culture in Crisis by JD Vance

The Confession by John Grisham

The Innocent Man: Murder and Injustice in a Small Town by John Grisham

The Female Persuasion by Neg Wolitzer

The Appeal by John Grisham

The Litigators by John Grisham

Rogue Lawyer by John Grisham

The Summons by John Grisham

The Associate by John Grisham

Miss Burma by Charmaine Craig

Final Girls by Riley Sager

Sycamore Row by John Grisham

Gone Without a Trace by Mary Torjussen

The Woman in the Window by AJ Finn

First Comes Love by Emily Giffin

Timeline by Michael Crichton

In the Midst of Winter by Isabelle Allende

Love the One You’re With by Emily Giffin

A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies & Leadership by James Comey

The One and Only by Emily Giffin

Heart of the Matter by Emily Giffin

Camino Island by John Grisham

Sisters by Danielle Steele

Roomies by Christina Lauren

The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas

The Paris Key by Juliet Blackwell

Luckiest Girl Alive by Jessica Knoll

Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry by Mildred Taylor

Behind Closed Doors by BA Paris

The Nest by Cynthia D’Aprix Sweeney

Lie to Me by JT Ellison

The Thing About Jellyfish by Ali Benjamin

So what am I looking forward to?  The long awaited book by Markus Zusak (Book Thief) coming out this fall and Mitch Albom’s followup to Five People You Meet in Heaven.  Oliver Pötzsch has another installment of his Hangman’s Daughter series.  And of course SO MANY MORE – my holds and wish list from the library is pretty extensive.  And I’m always open to suggestions – so leave them in the comments.

Finally, I often get asked how do I afford my book hobby – especially now that I’ve switched to audio format.  Audible seems expensive to me for what you get and there is no way I can justify $20+ per book, especially since I blow through books in a few days whether they are printed or spoken.  So, most of my books are checked out electronically through my local library.  Best part, NO LATE FEES!  Late fees were the reason I stopped going to the library in the first place. Now that I’ve gone electronic, my books are automatically returned on time. ADD WIN!

Happy Book Lovers Day from one Bookie to another.  Happy reading.

Mama’s Boy, Always

THIS kid. 22 today.

The other day, Eric and I stood out at the pool deck and secretly watched him teaching. Not only is he good at what he does, he thoroughly enjoys it. And the kids & parents love him, too. THESE are the moments that make the long days in the CA sun worthwhile. Regardless of where life takes him (he’s still figuring that out), I hope he finds joy in his everyday. Remember this, always.

In the last 4 years, he’s learned that adulting is not always easy. There have been some hard lessons – some his fault, some caused by others. That with great power comes great responsibility. That there is no shame in going with Plan B… or C… or even D… That there will be heartbreak and disappointment and sometimes you are the cause and sometimes the effect. That he WILL fall and we will be there to say “get your ass up and move on.” Always.

We’ve learned that parenting an adult is not always a cake walk either. It’s a fine balance of rules, expectations, and limits. Of knowing which Anthony we’re talking to – the one that wants our advice vs the one that needs it. Of giving a boost instead of being a crutch. Parenting books and classes don’t prepare you for this stage.

We’re all still learning that being humble, kind, or just quiet is often the best choice. In the last year of having him back under our roof, there have been angry exchanges and testing of boundaries. But there have been many more amazing moments that remind me how fleeting this time with him is. The moments that make it all worthwhile.

Having him out on my pool deck the last 8 weeks has brought me more joy than I expected. I can prop my door open and hear him. He’s loud… like his mama. I pause on my walks to catch sight of him. We lunch together most days – his only break in his 15 hour day. Our daily commute and 7/11 stop. The way he gushes about the kids in his classes and how excited he gets when they draw him pictures and give him notes. Knowing how hard he’s worked this summer, balancing 2 jobs + school to finish off his degrees & save for a car. “Bye mama, have a good day.” A summer filled with everyday moments of happiness and pride.

He’s always been my mini-me; stubborn, strong-willed, passionate, opinionated, independent, sarcastic, anxious, impulsive, protective… He’s a mama’s boy through-and-through and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Remember THAT, always.

Shoe-ly you Must be Kidding

It’s been a while since I posted about shoes.  It’s not that there haven’t been shoe-nanigans a foot (Ha! Mom would have loved that one Juj).  It’s just that I’ve been a bit preoccupied with myself lately.

Generally, you can judge my mood based on my choice of shoes.  Hightops? I was willing to commit to the extra effort needed to get my non-bending foot in the shoe.  Not an easy task.  It also means Aaron has not stolen all of my socks.  Low top Converse or my Vans – I recognize the need for shoes but I just can’t totally commit right now.  Flip flops? I HAVE to wear something… No shoes? That can best be described as I have no intention of getting out of the car.

Lately it’s been flip flops or nothing.  Basically, if I have to put on shoes, the answer is no.

The pile of shoes on my porch has grown.   Aaron was asked to clean his room and he did.  Only problem is he bagged up everything as “trash”.  Fearing the worst, I went through every bag before they were disposed of.  I came away with MULTIPLE pairs of perfectly good shoes (including several pairs that were basically new).  For some reason, they are all still on the porch.  I probably should do something about that.  Tomorrow.

The singles are still there as well, including a few additions.  On a recent trip to the Converse store I discovered that they take old shoes and grind them up to make playground surface material.  How cool is that?  Have I taken them down to add them to to the collection box?  Nope.  But I saved this picture on my phone to remind me.

Because the pile of shoes that I literally walk past multiple times every day isn’t a big enough reminder?

For as long as I can remember we’ve had a basket at the front door to collect shoes.  We’re just not a big shoe wearing family and generally the first thing we do is SHOES OFF.  After years of being annoyed with the overflowing basket of shoes (mostly mine – not going to lie), Eric bought this monstrosity.  I FREAKING HATE IT!  Don’t get me wrong, he meant well but… If I could figure out another solution I would.  I swear, as soon as these boys move out, this thing is going, too! And notice, most of the shoes are near it, not on it. Also notice – there is at least one lone shoe there. That would be Aaron.

And, to top it off, the basket is still at the front door.  Actually, the shoes have begun to migrate over.  Apparently, they’re not a fan of the rack either.

Yesterday, Aaron showed up at my office during the break from his dance class looking for food and water.  “Mom, will you drive me back up to my class?” No… wait, where are your shoes?  He left them in class and walked across campus barefoot.  90 degrees plus outside.  Asphalt the whole way.  Dumbass.  Why does he keep doing this????

While we’re talking about Aaron, he got a new job and he’s already planned out what he’s buying with his first check.  Shoes (high heeled drag shoes, but still, shoes.)  The boy who can’t remember to wear shoes is spending his entire net worth on shoes.  It would be like me opting for raisin cookies.  Insanity.

There’s currently a pair of blue seude-ish high heeled boots on my pool deck.  Isn’t that where you keep yours?

It’s not just Aaron though.  Anthony’s taking ceramics over the summer.  Yesterday – “Damn it, I forgot closed toed shoes.” Today, I specifically asked him if he had his shoes before we left.  “YESSSSSS.” Complete with eyeroll.  I even suggested to him that he keep a pair of Aaron’s porch shoes in the car on the off chance he forgot again.  Narrator: indeed he did not have his shoes nor did he put the extras in the car.  As Juli says, “This is me not caring.”

Last week, WWIII broke out over… shoes.  Anthony is convinced that Aaron is stealing the insoles from his work shoes.  Aaron witnessed the dogs eating said insoles (he didn’t stop them but that’s another issue).  We’ve all witnessed the dogs eating insoles and shoes and socks…  I found one of the insoles in the backyard with a guilty looking dog nearby AND the shoes in question were literally chewed on.  Apparently, the dogs like shoes WAY more than the rest of us.  Did any of this abate the fight? Nope.

A week later, I am sure he’s still harboring resentment over Shoegate 2018. Likely because the outcome of his fight with Aaron was a side battle with me that ended in him walking the 2.5 miles to work when I pulled my car over with an ultimatum to let it drop.  Walked to work no big deal.  With no insoles?  You’d think after 19 years he’d know that when I say, “Don’t make me pull this car over”, you should take that shit seriously.  I would have even stopped at the store and bought him replacement insoles if he wasn’t being such an ass.

For the record, if Anthony had used Eric’s  damn shoe closet, the dogs likely would not have eaten the insoles/shoes.  I’m not saying it’s not needed.  I’m just saying it’s an eyesore and I hate it.

So friends, I’ve already kicked off my flip flops for the night. And no, they’re not on the rack. They’re actually in a whole other pile nowhere near the front door. Yeah, I have issues.

Being the [Drag] Queen Mother

If we’re FB friends you probably know that Aa has jumped with both heels into the world of drag. It wasn’t much of a stretch for my attention seeking performer to combine his loves of dance, costuming, and makeup and take it to the stage/runway.  Aaron’s been choreographing his own numbers since he was about 5 including costumes and props, this is just another venue for him to explore.

After a few short months, he has a following, a small entourage, and the other night he was assembling back up dancers.  He’s working on becoming InstaFamous.  I have no doubt that will happen.

There is nothing about the drag culture that doesn’t appeal to him – it’s literally as over-the-top as you can get.  And well… that’s just Aaron.

Being a DQM is not always easy – especially when said mother is battling serious anxiety.  1) Aaron is a slob and I find his shit EVERYWHERE.  The bathroom. UGH! 2) I don’t wear makeup or do my hair.  I wear jeans or yoga pants and flip flops or Converse EVERY DAY – glamour is not my thing.  Never has been. 3) Frankly, I worry about him going out.  Every day I read about people being shot or beaten because they are different.  I don’t want my son or his friends to end up another statistic.  4) He steals my stuff.  ALL of my glitter, rhinestones, sequins, and feathers have disappeared from my office.  “Well you weren’t using them.” Yeah, I kind of was.  5) He’s broke and drag is costly.  6) Songs on repeat.  7) There is glitter freaking EVERY WHERE!

But, it’s pretty fabulous, too.

He’s living his authentic self.  He’s found an outlet for his creativity.  He’s pretty damn good at it.  He’s learning to be resourceful – even if that means pilfering my craft supplies.

Last month, I took him to DragCon.  WAY outside my comfort zone because SO MANY PEOPLE.  But we had a blast.  He got to meet his favorite queen, Miz Cracker.  He walked the runway.  He was repeatedly complimented on his homemade eyelashes – crafted from junk mail. #dragonadime

Monday night, I got to see him perform live on stage for the first time complete with deathdrops and two leaps into the splits.  ALL DONE IN HEELS!  The talent in that room was a-maz-ing! It was awesome seeing the crowd cheering and oohing and literally in awe of MY KID.  The judges commented that the boy can DANCE – he’s going places! He’s got work to do, room to grow, a look to develop, and moves to smooth out.

Me, I’m still trying to come to terms with him coming home with a stack of singles (tips).

I can’t help him with makeup or fashion, or let’s be honest, dance but there is something I DO know a bit about – marketing.  The plan is to start building a social following, somewhere he can share his tips & tricks for creating on a budget, promote his appearances, and eventually build a brand.

More than that though, I can just be there.

I scream about the mess, and where did THAT come from when you have NO money, and stop taking my craft supplies, and turn down the music, and FREAKING glitter everywhere, and…

But I also listen to his Drag Race recaps.  I TRY not to go down the dark hole of fear and worry every time he goes to the club.  I am “mom” to the extras that come through the house that don’t have that kind of support system at their own homes.  I go and yell and clap and proudly let people know he’s mine.

Acceptance starts at home.

So what’s on the horizon for the diva dude? College classes in dance, makeup, theatre, fashion design, and costuming.  So far, he’s done most of this with zero training – imagine what he can do with some professional guidance? WOW – just WOW!

And for the Queen Mother? More trips to HM’s that’s for sure.  The vibe was fun and the Happy Hour menu made for a cheap night out with friends, and well… DEEP FRIED TWINKIES!  Yeah, I’ll be back – even if it is a bit late for this old broad.  Next time, with all the amazingly supportive people that can’t wait to cheer Luna on.

Now if we could just get the glitter under control. Seriously, it’s FREAKING EVERY WHERE! #craftherpes

Follow Aaron and/or Luna La Fierce on Instagram

It All Started with a Cupcake

True Story: the My Delight Cupcake Truck regularly comes to the park at the end of our street. Seriously! Like, I can (and do) walk down to get my sugar fix.

I may even have friends alert me ahead of time.

Last Thursday that was just the edge of the sugar bowl I ended up diving into.

Without the encumbrances (aka kids), E and I decided to grab a bite to eat and go grocery shopping. AKA “Date Night”

But “wait, the truck is down the street. Let’s walk down first.” Picked up a snickerdoodle and a caramel churro.

Didn’t leave them in the house while we went out – Aaron might come home and well… $10 in cupcakes are not meant to be inhaled by the undiscerning. So on our adventure they went, too.

“While we’re out, let’s stop and pick up my free birthday bundt cake.” OK

After a few other stops we finally made it to dinner, BJ’s to share the $20 Thursday rib special which comes with a FREE pizookie. Can’t say no to free. OK can’t say no to pizookie. I forgot to take a pic before and E wouldn’t let me ask the couple on their obvious first date if I could photograph theirs…

“Well, while we’re down here let’s pop into Krispy Kreme and see if they still have the cookie donuts.”

Bummed that they had run out of the Nutter Butter – that was my favorite. Even more bummed that these were limited time only. Easily the best KK donuts EVER. #bringthemback

Stopped at Target and these just jumped into the cart

The kids (Aaron) had eaten the whole package before I got even one last time! Not even one! This package lasted all the way until Saturday (probably due to the mildly threatening post it note) when we broke them open to taste test with Dennis & Stacey. No one would consent to an unboxing video so you’ll have to assume by the empty package that they were yummy. I continue to be a fan of the Oreo/Pop Rocks mashup.

YES, we finally made it grocery shopping. At that point, I just wanted to be home because 1) I freaking HATE grocery shopping, 2) E was buying boring stuff like vegetables and leg shanks and crap for the kids, 3) the inevitable crash was quickly setting in, and 4) I still had the cupcakes in the car!

Should I be eating all this sugar? Most def NOT! I SHOULD be more consistent with my Plexus regimen. I SHOULD be more balanced in my diet choices. I SHOULD have SOME impulse control. I SHOULD be modeling these things for my children. But I’m also trying to indulge now and then and well… last Thursday ended up being one of those times.

Will there be other “Thursdays”? Probably. I mean… I am, well, ME.

MoralS of the story: 1) ALWAYS visit the cupcake truck when it’s down the street from your house – support small business, 2) sign up to get your free birthday bundt – because it’s frosting even I eat, 3) Thursday’s rib deal at BJ’s is an AWESOME deal AND comes with a FREE pizookie, 4) KK needs to add the Nabisco donuts to their regular menu, and 5) try all the LE Oreos – well except kettle corn, that just sounds gross.

In the interest of transparency, I may have also had a Boston Cream Pie donut from Dunkin for lunch. Shhhhh don’t tell the big guy, he may schedule an intervention.

This is Anxiety

I’ve really been struggling lately. More rough days than easy. Sigh.

I get asked, “How are you,” by well meaning people. Friends and strangers alike. That’s not a question I feel comfortable answering. Not one I’m likely to be honest about either. I’ve begun avoiding it. Blow past, change the subject. It’s just easier.

Some days, I just can’t people. Not everyone understands that. Those closest to me do and respect my need for space. They’re also not likely to ask the dreaded question. Some times they force me to be together. #thanksjujubee I do my best – I hope they know that.

Yesterday I was asked repeatedly, “Why are you angry?” Yeah, don’t ask that either. I’m not angry, I’m just me and sometimes that’s hard. Stop assuming it’s you or that you can fix it/me.

There’s a lot going on around here. School. No school. New and old jobs for the kids. Backyard construction. Work. My car needs an oil change. The deadline looming to file a claim for the accident two years ago. A family of hawks living on the roof and shitting on my car. Ants. J slicing through his thumb and the resulting ER visit.

Just too much.

I gave up on my MayYouBe challenge. It was too structured for where I’m at right now. At some point I might pick it up again. In the meantime I AM going to TRY to write more. I need to remind myself that writing releases some of the built up pressure. It also gives a voice to anxiety and maybe, just maybe, that might end up helping someone other than myself.

In the meantime, have patience and know that I’m still trudging along. And if you’re struggling, too, know that you’re not alone.

May You Be Grateful

OK so, I’m a day behind. #shocker

Yesterday was full – work and kids and drama and stress.  An emotionally and physically draining day.  No break from 7-6 so when I found myself with the house all to myself for an hour I kind of wanted to check out.

Like so often when that happens though I found myself straightening up the house.  OK… really bitching (WHILE cleaning) about being the maid for four people who really should be able to turn off lights, or sweep up dog hair, or put their dishes in the sink, or their trash in the can, or their dirty clothes in the hamper…

I wasn’t feeling especially grateful.  I was just tired and annoyed.

I bitch a lot about things that other people would be grateful for.  First world problems – we all have them.

I’m working on perspective.

Truth is, I have a life that keeps me busy, a house to clean, people & dogs to share it with me, and occasionally a little time to myself to appreciate it.  I need to be more grateful for that.  It would, at the very least, probably make the tasks more tolerable.

Lately, I’ve been working on showing genuine gratitude to those around me.  Sending thank you notes, just because – not for the receipt of something.  Thanking my co-workers for the little (and sometimes big) things they do that make my job easier. Telling my friends how I much appreciate them always being there for me.  Like the house and the clutter, I was finding myself not appreciating the people that surround me.  And that’s a shame.  I’m getting better at thanking others, and recognizing the part they play in my daily life.  (Not perfect, still working on it.)

All too often, I think that what I do at work or at home or in the world is thankless or not even seen.  That leads to resentment which is what got me to this point in the first place.  So, I’m also trying to thank myself more – recognize and appreciate the role I play in all of this.  True gratitude like so many other things, I am learning, comes from within.

Thank you for being here.  Thank you for taking this journey of self discovery with me.  Thank you for listening.

 

May You Be… Here… Now

Day 2 – Here Now

Two things I’ve been working on lately are active listening and being present in the moment. In general, I continue to fail miserably at both.

ADD brain means I’m usually thinking of a million things at once. I’m generally fifteen steps ahead in a conversation – one that, because of anxiety, I’ve already had in my mind many times over.

Focus – or lack thereof. Something I’ve struggled with even as a small child. Something I still deal with personally x4 if you include the boys. “I hope you have a kid JUST LIKE YOU.” Well played karma. Well played.

Active listening. Stop.  Don’t interrupt – even if I’ll forget what I wanted to say… even if it’s relevant RIGHT NOW… even if… Stop working through the next part of the conversation, stop formulating your arguments and responses during.  Just STOP and listen.  And maybe doodle.

Being present. For the third year in a row my Word of The Year is “here”. I’m CONSTANTLY reminding myself that where I am at, at the moment, is the most important thing. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Socially. Technologically.  Chances are, it’ll be my word next year, too.  Heck it’s even the name of my original blog! (There’s some inspired writing over there, you should probably check it out.)

It’s pretty easy for my brain to start dwelling 30 years down the road. I don’t just ponder it and move on, I freaking obsess. I mean, will they EVER move out?  But while I’m obsessing I think I’m missing the joy of the little steps along the long path.  Once again, progress – no matter how small – is still progress.

Anthony this morning: Sheesh Mom, don’t jump to conclusions. Yup, that’s me summed up in six words.

Put down the phone during meals and meetings. Don’t watch tv while reading a book or playing a game. Most people read one book at a time, right? I have 3 going right now. Three. It’s no wonder I, once again, started reading a book that I have already read but didn’t remember reading.  I’m always telling the boys to “be present” why can’t I follow my own declarations?

Enjoy one moment at a time. Why is that SO hard?

May you be…

A few years ago, I happened upon a daily challenge from Project Happiness.  I saved a screenshot of the calendar to my phone and later to my computer.  I’ve had limited success with daily challenges.  Like diets, and resolutions, and well… pretty much everything, good intentions often fall to the wayside of daily life and a limited attention span and my craptastic memory.  There’s also my resounding procrastination.  I’ll get to that… later. (I may have just misspelled “never”.)

So, why now?  Two years after that initial save?

1. It’s my birthday month – the last of my forties.  Pretty soon my age will start with a 5, a half century spent trying to figure out who I am and what mark I want to leave on the Earth. #loftygoals
2. I’m trying to write more.  A month ago, I challenged myself to write daily.  Like all the others before it, that challenge lasted days (maybe).  That needs to change!  Writing helps me think through my chaos much more completely than talking – not that I don’t do a fair share of that, too.  I’m hoping that by putting this out there, I will be held accountable, by myself and others.

I’m not sure I’ll make it to Day 31 – no guarantees.  If I do, my plan is to scrapbook each prompt.  A few years ago, I actually managed to complete the (highly annoying) Month of Gratitude that made the rounds on Facebook.  That layout is one of my favorites to go back and visit – a snapshot of what was important to me then (and for the most part, still is).

I even bought the album (wait for it) TWO YEARS AGO.  I obviously wasn’t ready to undertake this then, I’m hoping I am now.  If not, the prompts will remain on my phone until I am – someday.

Let’s take that first step together…

Day 1 – May You Be Happy

Happy? What does that even mean? I’m really struggling with this one these days.

Holding hands with Aaron (age 18). Rainy days.  Stupid puns and “dad jokes”. Doodling. (Why don’t I do that more?)

Little things. It’s always the little things with me.

 

Amazingly enough, few of the things on either list have changed 15 years later. And FWIW, I still carry around notebooks of grievances. Some things never change.

Some of the things I used to find joy in are just not sparking me – I haven’t scrapbooked in 6 months. I’m behind for the first time since 2010. Partly it’s the chaos of late. Partly it’s the depression. But, I’ve set aside time over the next three months. I’ve even started sorting photos for a crop this weekend. Progress, however slight, is progress.

So, happiness – that elusive goal. There are glimmers of it here and there. It’s not lost forever and neither am I. It’s in here somewhere.